2025 Guesses and Whimsical Assumptions
I think if there is one thing most of us can agree on, it’s that the last few years would not have made it out of any respectable writers room if it had been pitched as a TV show. Executives would have declared our story beats beyond parody, screen tests would have flogged it as unbelievable, and the public would have had Discourse (TM) about our casting choices. Nevertheless, truth remains stranger than fiction and here we all are. And so, in that spirit, I’ve listed out my absolutely wildest dark horse ideas for 2025, and I’m dying for you to give me the same energy in response.
We won’t be so bold as to declare them predictions because none of us could have predicted anything since about 2015, so let’s call them our speculations. Our flights of fancy. Our suggestions for the cosmic script writers, keen to continue jumping the sharks.
Trump has a major health incident of some kind, and we get to stare our collective political choices directly in the face as the MAGA factions fight for supremacy under Acting President Vance. God help us.
One major tech or social media platform has a defining business crisis that fundamentally reshapes our digital landscape. Inshallah it’s an AI collapse of some kind.
I joked about this online elsewhere, but the US government mints a meme coin. Seriously.
Kim Kardashian gets married again.
A manosphere influencer finally bites the bullet and just invents a new cult outright. Another bro also just comes out as gay. Just skip to the end, my guys, we’re all tired of the prolog.
Likewise a major tradwife influencer gets divorced; a battle to crown a new alt-right queen ensues and the dark horse candidate from Secret Lives of Mormon Wives emerges victorious.
Another CEO gets merc’d. Unfortunately the murderer is not a thirst trap and so the personal tragedy does not morph into a a powerful social moment and instead just results in a crackdown on civil liberties in the local vicinity.
Tayvis gets married in secret and their mutual fanbases can’t decide whether to be thrilled for the happy couple or ferocious in their rage at being denied a public spectacle wedding. The people need bread and circuses! That or they break up and Taylor immediately dates Pete Davidson.
The “gray everything” interiors trend dies a fiery death and the culture hard pivots back to colour and personality. Please, I’m begging.
Putin dies.
The Middle Ages have a cultural and aesthetic moment and suddenly medieval inspiration hits all the catwalks and the TikTok trends (if it survives the US ban discussion, which is hilarious). The girlies are giving Guinevere!
Elon Musk checks into rehab. A girl can dream. Oh, and he loses at least one government contract!
I don’t know who The Rizzler even is, but he has a spiritual awakening and mindfully retreats from whence he came. He is at peace. And, since I never have to find out more about him, so am I.
The US government shuts down at least once.
The far right runs out of things to declare woke and chooses a new catchphrase to signal anything they find degenerate and scary. I’ve been impressed with how long they’ve committed to woke (longer than their most recent manufactured trans panic, I’ve noticed), but she’s tired.
Why not! At least one prominent far right grifter, desperate to stay relevant and provocative, boldly rebrands as far left! And, because media literacy is dead, they are welcomed into the ranks of content creators and continue to get rich off of outrage and clicks. Their merch drop breaks the internet. Unfortunately.
